APRIL'S LIFE LESSONS

May 7

April 2020 slapped me in the face. I’m still recovering from it all and trying to make the best out of each moment. I do pride myself in trying to find the good within the bad, I’ve been that way since I could remember.

I was furloughed from work and denied unemployment because of my work status as a 1099 contractor, the silver lining here, my job offered me a few days to work here and there. I’m grateful for that and thankful that Reg was still able to work (and from home). UPDATE: God is Good! I have received some funds from the State.

QUARANTINE + SPIRIT WEEK

Quarantine life has its good and bad moments. We’ve been blessed to have more good moments than bad balancing it all. Granted our kids are older so things have been easier and when they get crazy, everyone goes to their rooms. I’m sending virtual air hugs to everyone that is raising kids, working full time, cooking all the meals, and simply doing it all during this time, you are the real MVP. I came across a spirit week challenge and knew this would be great for us to participate in. I wanted to capture some good memories during the Great Quarantine of 2020. It was so fun, that I ended up creating my own version the next week, and two weeks after that. I’m thankful for everyone that participated, it was pretty fun and brought a little joy in the chaos.

LOSS OF REG’S FATHER

My husband (Reg) and I had a few family members that were hospitalized due to the coronavirus and were able to overcome and walk out of the hospital. Reg’s father was hospitalized as well and his fight was up and down. He was on the brink of recovery until we received the call that he died. This was hard for us for so many reasons. We had to explain this to our children. My husband shared his feelings regarding this on Facebook and I will share it with you all here in hopes that those that have estranged relationships with loved ones will find comfort.

“Grilled cheeses, root beer floats, and pain. Those are my memories mostly. I’ve spent the last 28 years trying to reconcile the emotions I’ve had toward my father. From years of immense anger, to denial, to nonchalant acceptance, to where I’ve landed these last few years...assumed peace.
I spent the first 20 years of my life unwittingly trying to prove my worth to others. Being overlooked ate at me. Being undervalued pained me. I compartmentalized. I built walls to keep others from getting too close. I hid myself in work. And then we had my son, and I began my journey to find peace. Peace within myself, peace with my memories, and peace for the life I wanted to create for my developing family. These last 10 years I’ve started opening up, letting others in, and started to repair relationships that were casualties of my father’s actions.
I thought I found peace with where we stood in our own relationship, and then you got sick...and then you died. And then all of those emotions and repressed memories came rushing back. Grief is a monster. And now I’m left, once again, angry. Less angry about what was, and the violence that shaped my early life; and more angry about what will never be. I’ll never know why you were the way you were. I can assume. I’ve done that a lot. Assume. But I’ll never know. I’ll never be able to pass down your knowledge to my own son. My kids will never have those tender moments with their grandad. And I’ll never have a father to son, man to man conversation with you.
All I have left is grilled cheese sandwiches, root beer floats, and childhood traumas. This hurts more than I ever thought it would. Life is short, man, it’s fleeting. Piece it up with those you care about because tomorrow may never come. Lead with love and never miss an opportunity to tell people how you feel.”

KAYIN’S 6TH BIRTHDAY

My baby girl was turning 6 years old and earlier in April, we had planned ways to make celebrating at home super fun! She wanted her favorite foods, new shoes, and a huge obstacle course. We delivered as promised and celebrated her with an awesome obstacle that included running drills, basketball, trampoline jumping, and nerf-gun target shooting. She received so much love and we had a virtual video call with family members to wish her a happy birthday! Her dad went overboard in Target and bought her so many shoes, toys, and clothes!

LOSS OF MY PAWPAW

I was getting ready for my friend Aisha’s virtual birthday video call when I received the call that my grandfather, Pawpaw was tired and ready to transition. My heart dropped. I began to shake and tear up and knew I needed to relax and gather myself. I got myself together and drove over to my grandparents, leaving Reg and the kids at home. I’m so happy that I went to see him that day and we talked, laughed, and cried. I filmed some of it so that I could always hear his laughter. He had a great laugh, that would make you chuckle. We had to respect his wishes that he was tired and ready. Reg, the kids, and I visited him Easter Sunday to cherish a few more moments with him. My sister and mother had called home hospice to come that Monday. Two days before my baby girl’s birthday he died. I had to ask God for all of the strength to help us explain to our children once again that we have lost a loved one. My Pawpaw wasn’t just my grandfather, he was the man that helped raised me, he is the reason why I am who I am today, he believed in my dreams, he taught me so much and I will miss him dearly. I have so many memories of living with my grandparents, Pawpaw being there for my first date, prom, graduations, him taking me to meet one of my boyfriends (cringe), gifting me my first and second car, all the photo albums of cherished memories, our morning breakfasts together, getting him Long’s donuts, fried-fish dinners, beating him in Pokeno, sitting in the garage on a cool breeze day, his fisherman hat, him watching my videos on YouTube and being curious about what it was that I do, his striped shirts, and him greeting you at the door with a smile. The pain of losing my Pawpaw is still hard and I find comfort that we were able to have our moment before his transition and that he knew he was loved.

Life Lessons: Laugh hard and often with those that you love. Love on those that need love the most even during those difficult times. Make and capture all the memories to cherish and pass down generations. Most of all find the good in the bad, if possible; because it could always be worse. April was tough. My heart, love, and prayers go out to all of us out there struggling, maintaining and trying to balance life out there.