I’M TIRED OF BEING STRONG

LIVINGLIFE LESSONS

Jul 13

I’m tired of being strong. A strong black woman. A strong wife. A strong mother. A strong daughter. A strong friend. I’m tired and I feel like I’m going to break. I must be a diamond, cause baby…this pressure. Whew. Lord. I know I’m not alone in this feeling. Writing and listening to music is a form of my therapy, my release.

ALL IN MY FEELINGS

Those are my thoughts as I was laying in bed prepared to call it a night at 10:30PM. I started my day early around 6AM. I made a mental note of the top 3 things I must complete today. I was ready to tackle the day and give it my all.

1 - Finish Organizing The Office

2 - Cook Breakfast and Prep Dinner

3 - Complete Client Website

After going through social media and checking emails for an hour, I get started organizing the office. My daughter wakes up and wants breakfast. I told her in an hour I will get started on breakfast and that I was organizing the office. She decided she would offer a helping hand. We get things organized and we head to the kitchen. I don’t enjoy cooking but I’m really trying to break that because I have to set an example for my children and find the fun in doing the things we dislike. So...Kayin and I pretended we were on a cooking show as I taught her how to cook eggs, bacon, spinach, and waffles. I had the gospel music playing, my incense lit and we were vibing out in the kitchen. Honestly, it was beautiful. I enjoyed it all.

My phone rings. It’s my Dad. I have a feeling its bad news. I brace myself and answer. My Dad shares with me that his brother, my uncle has passed away. I can hear him breaking down. My heart is breaking for him. I told him I would be over as soon as I finish breakfast.

MY HEART IS HEAVY

2020 has been a tough year. The year started off with a passing of a loved one in January (Uncle Robert), then Reg’s Father (My Father In Law), then My Grandfather, then my Uncle Ellis, and now my Uncle Ronnie. All of this while the world is facing a pandemic. I remember telling myself that if I could survive the passing of both my grandparents (my Dad’s parents) in 2012, then I could make it through anything. My Grandma Loyd passed in February of 2012 and that hurt, then my Grandpa Loyd became ill right after and passed in March of 2012. Going through that heartache back to back was heavy. Reminding myself that they are in a better place was comforting.

I said the same thing in 2009. This was different as far as deaths but it truly was a moment in my life that shaped me. If I could make it being young, pregnant, living in Washington, DC away from home, interning, and going to school then I could survive anything. I would remind myself every day how strong I am and how this will shape me to be a strong woman. It did. It was hard as hell. I cried many days but I pushed through and did it. My husband and I graduated that summer from Ball State and then Cardell was born in August.

I’ve always been the I’m a cry about it first, then make a plan and handle my shit kind of lady.

I remind myself that I’ve been through it and survived. I did the same thing as a child, young woman, as a young mom, and then as a mother of two. I pushed through and made it. It was hard, I didn’t do it by myself. I definitely have my people that I can call and cry it out to or send an S.O.S “pineapples & cherries” and they are right there. I’m thankful for my even stronger friends and family.

HOW DO WE MAKE IT THROUGH

Here I am now...laying in bed thinking about how tired I am of being strong. Reflecting over all the times I’ve been strong in my life. It’s funny how 2019, it was check on your strong friend. In 2020, it’s we are tired of being strong. What will it be in 2021? Stronger than ever.

I spent the day with family as we comforted my father. I watched him and saw something in him that I realized we both have in common. As he played his music and vibe’d that was his comfort. Music is healing. I always find myself going to music to push through or to go through my feelings.

MUSIC IS MY THERAPY

As I mentioned above writing and music are a release for me. My husband is probably tired of me playing the same songs over and over but it helps my mind. Pretty much all of 2020 I have started every morning with Strong God, that’s my way of worship, praise and healing. I’ve created a playlist that house a few of my favorite songs to help me through my feelings and inspire me to get through it all. Listening to these songs help me deal with everything and have that good cry so that I can plan and handle my shit.

Also, me remembering what I learned in therapy helps too....focus on what matters most, in that moment. By doing this it has helped me reduce stress and worry that I tend to have from thinking too far in advance or worrying about the future. Most importantly, asking God to take the wheel and giving him all my worries.

I’m stronger, I’m wiser, I’m better, I made it through my storms and my test and God carried me through my best. I’m reminding myself to speak over myself and encourage myself that I will get through. We will get through. Love you and take care.

LISTEN TO PLAYLIST HERE

Share with me here in the comments your go to song that helps you get through it, DM me in Instagram or send me an email - hello@starlakaymathis.com